Category: February 2017

The Courage to Love
by Hamsa Martin, M.A., PLPC, NCC

There is a feeling that haunts all of us on occasion, it’s that feeling of doing it all on our own or feeling alone in work or decisions we make. In a sea of family and friends, we can sometimes feel like we are on an island and no one truly understands the deepest part of us, making sure not to show the “ugly” parts of our hearts with most people. We don’t want our family to know we struggle or might need help, we don’t want our neighbors to know that our lives are chaotic, and we don’t want our close friends to know that home life isn’t as peachy as we’d like them to believe.

What are all of these examples above missing? Connection. Connection, or bonding, is an integral part of any intimate relationship. It’s the linking of two people where the strength of that relationship is determined by whatever is tying/holding those two people together. The level of intimacy determines the strength of that hold. Creating intimacy means going against the preservation of our perfect image and sharing the wounds of our hearts. Opening up our wounds does not mean trashing others or telling someone the business of everyone around us. It is not focusing on the faults of others or their actions or intentions against us. It is the telling of our story. Anyone can gossip and tell someone how so and so hurt them and did the same thing to so and so — that knowledge is often obvious to others without us gossiping. Gossip bonds two people by the hate or frustration shared, but I would argue that the strength of the connection, or level of intimacy, is very weak. If it is so easy for this person to talk poorly about someone else, what makes us think that they would never speak the same way about us? Trust is not a result of this kind of connection.

To build trust, we must share something with another person that no one else can share with them. Each action against us and interaction of our past is a part of our story, yes, but to tell our story right, we must focus on the way these events settle in our hearts, change our views of our self or others, and the effect that these things have on how we approach people. When we share that part of our story, we begin to connect to the listener with a stronger hold than that of the gossip natured connection. We must let someone into our pain and allow that person to have empathy with us. We must allow that person to also understand our hearts and intentions enough to challenge our actions or views of others so that we do not get stuck in our one-sided downward spiral of judging others. This relationship should allow you to have empathy not only with each other, but to help each other begin to have empathy with others. This is where true LOVE begins.

In the spirit of the season, we will focus more on intimacy in partnership and marriage. We must implement the same characteristics of connection described above. When we share our hearts, motives and pain with our partner, it leads them to begin to trust us, and will motivate our significant other to want to share his or her pain with us. Vulnerability breeds more vulnerability. Love, the feeling at least, is the result of bonding like this and also through the actions of holding, hugging and kissing. All of these things cause our body to release a hormone called Oxytocin, which is said to be the bonding hormone, monogamy molecule and serves to create a sort of safety with our partners. These wonderful things build a strong bond that is severely difficult to break.

The problem is, there is a large percentage of us in the South who live under the standard of not respecting others or ourselves for even paying attention to our emotions. When we ignore our emotions and just dust our shoulders off and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, we neglect an important part of ourselves. This would be equivalent to getting kicked off of our horse, then getting right back on the horse, ignoring the sprained wrist or broken leg, and continuing to ride on. In this metaphor, these wounds do not heal properly and we end up feeling hints of pain from our ill healed wounds with every ride we take.

Bringing this metaphor back to partnership or marriage, we bring in all of our past hurts that we have ignored and watch them effect our relationship. Our instinct is to keep the hurt inside and to not let anyone in to that sacred pain. We may not even be aware of what is causing the pain. We find it almost heroic to not let our emotions effect us – on the contrary – I would argue that it takes more courage to choose the path toward love by understanding those emotions and sharing them. We may be too afraid to enter into this uncharted territory and we sure as heck do not want someone else to enter in with us … they might be a part of unveiling the ugliness we have kept hidden for so long. The contradiction here is that the ugliness stays ugly when left deep down in the darkness of our hearts, but becomes beautiful when we unveil it to our partner. The beauty of it is that we are vocalizing that we trust them, thus creating a handsome bond between our partner and our self. The beauty is that we become known and fully known by our partner.

We sometimes find ourselves in a place where the stakes are too high to just try practicing with our partners because we are too afraid of offending or hurting them (or vice versa) because his or her actions may be contributing added hurt onto our already opened wound. This is where the counseling room comes into play. It is a safe place where we can explore our stories, mend wounds, cry, explore our emotions, discover our patterns of anger and intimacy, understand what is keeping us from intimacy, and practice communication with or without our partner present. All of this in hopes of helping us become seasoned story tellers (of our own stories) in order to strengthen the bond between us and our partner.

Veritas Counseling Center is a nonprofit counseling center made up of professionally trained counselors who want to walk with others in learning how to tell their stories. We desire to see mended relationships, healed hearts, and an understanding of why one acts, thinks, or feels the way they do. The more awareness, the better a storyteller, the better bond we create. Veritas Counseling Center wants counseling to be available to all people who are desiring to walk the journey of healing, so it provides counseling at a rate of $40 an hour (compared to $80-$150 at most counseling centers). We hope to rid the stumbling blocks that keep some from entering into the counseling room. You can visit our website, www.veritascc.org to learn more about our services, and call or email one of the counselors on our team to schedule an appointment.

A bright, friendly, sociable woman, James has enjoyed a busy professional and family life for the past 30 years. But illness, the death of her mother, and flood damage to her home this year have forced her to stop working and focus on recovering physically and emotionally.

A year ago, Sarah was diagnosed with a brain tumor and had surgery to remove it. The tumor was benign, but the experience was frightening because Sarah was in the midst of a two-year battle with breast cancer and was going through chemotherapy at the time.
“It has been a lot to go through,” she said. “There have been so many challenges, but my faith has sustained me and kept me strong.”

Faith from the very beginning
In fact, her faith has been a part of her character for as long as she can remember. Originally from Blairstown, La., Sarah remembers sitting on the “mourning bench” at the age of 9, waiting to be baptized, praying for a sign that she was ready. “We would go to church every day after school, and the children would sit on that bench and listen to the pastor’s teachings about Christ and his love for us. One day, I just got this feeling and I knew it was time. And I gave my life to Christ.”

That solid faith foundation came from her mother, Sarah said, which is why it was so painful when her mother passed away last August. “She was 73 and died of cancer,” Sarah said. “But she was ready. She knew (and I know) that one day, we are all going to leave this world, and we just have to make sure we’re prepared when it happens.”

An advocate for worthy causes
Sarah’s education and career have provided her with the tools to accept whatever the future holds. Armed with a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice and psychology from LSU, she worked as a judicial assistant in Baton Rouge’s criminal court for nine years. “I’ve seen what can happen to families,” she said. “I’ve seen how people’s choices can tear their families apart, put people in prison, take away their hope. But there are a lot of things you can do to have resolution in your life.”

That means praying for your enemies as well as your loved ones, healing broken relationships and doing things to make you happy, she said. “No one knows when their time is, so you’ve got to make sure your soul is right … and you’ve got to do it now!”

That attitude of determination comes from the fighter within Sarah. Over the years, she’s been active in community affairs at every level. In 2010, she made history as the first African American club president of Republican Women in Louisiana. She helped charter Capital City Republican Women in an effort to advocate for fairness, diversity and education in the fight against racism, crime and poverty. After her breast cancer diagnosis in 2014, she added cancer survivor to her resume and participated in cancer events as well.

Taking time for herself
Not long after her mother passed away, Sarah and her husband Larry had to move in with a relative when their Park Forest home was flooded. Because of the brain tumor, Sarah lost some of her short-term memory, and had to give up driving. She also had to turn over management of her promotional products company to her son and his wife. (In 1985, Sarah founded her own company, Hollico Ad Specialties).

The living arrangements have been an adjustment. “Now, I just stay at home,” she said. “I still cook occasionally and I can get around by myself. When I feel up to it, I go to church at Promised Land. I’m lucky that I have such a wonderful husband and two great children who have helped me in so many ways.”  Sarah stays busy on social media, and often shares inspirational quotes on her Facebook page. Her New Year’s message to friends was a reminder to appreciate God’s gifts:  “Each season of the changing year has blessings all its own, something special that belongs to just that time alone. Each year is a gentle reminder of God’s gift of life on this earth. He comes into our lives like a new dawn, a new day, a new hope … “  As Sarah regains her strength and makes plans for 2017, her advice to others is to practice love in everything you do. “Stay close to your family. Mend all the broken friendships and relationships in your life. Take care of personal business such as wills and debts. And then, just treat others well. Keep a positive outlook … because no matter what happens, there is so much to be grateful for.”

Story and Pictures by Bruce Kuehne

Three men were recently baptized as more than 40 others watched-then they all played basketball. It didn’t seem odd.

For no spiritual reason, about five years ago Jeff Ginn, Pastor at Istrouma Baptist Church, asked M.L. Woodruff (Coach), to organize some “pick-up” basketball games for the staff. Coach is the Sports Outreach Director and directs teams for about 1,000 kids annually, so it wasn’t long before a dozen staff members played; then a few church members joined; then someone invited an outsider, and then … What started as a small group of mostly white co-workers is today the Lunch Bunch Basketball league, a mission to about 250 men, 90 percent black, which plays twice a week at noon.

Istrouma is not trying to build its own base. “Our goal is not to bring people to Istrouma,” says Coach, who has built a leadership team of 16 men, only some of whom attend Istrouma. When Lunch Bunch Basketball started expanding, he invited Clayton Hayes with Connections Ministry to join the leadership team to help develop the program and to contact other pastors to see if they wanted to start similar programs.

Rene Brown, Pastor at Mt. Zion First Baptist Church, intends to start a program. Bart Riggins, Pastor at Faith Chapel on Staring Lane, is starting a Lunch Bunch program in the Gardere neighborhood. BREC, which serves mostly school-age kids and typically doesn’t open its gyms until after school, is willing to open its gyms earlier for this program. The police and sheriff’s departments, recognizing a need to become more closely connected in communities, especially with black men, are also participating.

Forty men don’t show up twice a week just because someone blows a whistle. Below the surface is great attention to detail. Nathan Strong, Coach’s assistant, who majored in sports administration and minored in business at LSU, registers each player as they arrive, assigns them to teams, hands out (and picks up and washes) the colored jerseys that identify each player with his team for the day, puts their names on the team board, ensures the clocks work, keeps track of the time of play (they rotate every 4 minutes during each of two – 20 minute games), and assigns the “halftime” activity. The focus of these tasks isn’t just technical; it is intended to create a stable environment. All of the leaders are trained to learn and use each man’s name, make frequent eye contact, and let him know he is welcome. But they don’t force it. The objective is long term relationships, not instant response.

Although the core activity is basketball, it’s not the purpose. Pastor Jeff Ginn often plays, and speaks at halftime when the men gather for a devotional, prayer and questions. After one session, one of the leaders commented saying, “Jeff was so clear in his presentation of the Gospel,” and when he invited men to ‘call on the name of the Lord to be saved,’ about eight men prayed out loud, phrase by phrase, as Jeff prayed.” Three guys were recently baptized, and two others were baptized in the Spring. But most of the players are not believers. Nathan points out that, “Our humanness comes out in the way we play.” This program exposes them to the way Christians play basketball. They can see what men look like when they try to follow God. Over time, he says, “They are changed.”

The basketball is not about winning in the typical sense. “We strive together for God’s glory.  We don’t strive against for self-glory,” says Coach. Nathan assigns players to teams and tries to ensure there are no “stacked teams,” so players know there is no arguing about who’s on which team. There are no championships. Men know when to come, and what to expect. “We’re working on the hearts of leaders and players as they come into [our] community,” says Coach.

Clayton invited Jon Odenwald, a gifted mentor, to help work on this goal. Nathan’s gift for organization creates an opportunity for Jon to freely move among the men when they’re off-court. One of the players asked Jon what his role was. “I’m the social chairman,” Jon answered, to which the player laughingly responded, “Take my phone number.”  Jon did, and later called to follow up.

“When I started, I asked Coach whether I could interact with the men outside of the basketball games. He said, ‘Do whatever you want,’” Jon said.  Jon is excited about the opportunities presented. “They are very good players, but need someone to encourage them, to believe in them, to ask them how we can pray for what’s going on in their lives,” he said. “Most men don’t have close connections. I cheer them on, listen to their stories. I invite them to enjoy a gathering of men – not just for basketball, but for life. I get to show them how God is so important in that journey.”

All the leaders see God at work. Church-sponsored events sometimes have low rates of return.  People show up for food, music or whatever, but don’t come back because there is no core of interest. Men who play good basketball do come back, and they invite their friends. “We average four new guys” every session, Coach reports. “If the churches could do that, it would be awesome. We think it’s a movement of God. We are trying to join Him. Our objective is to transform lives through the gospel. We use basketball as a bridge.”